it's not fun getting married to a lot of people

no, i don't mean being polygamous. in philippine society where families are close and extended families are common, getting married does not always mean getting married to one person. its also 'getting married' to that one person's relatives and family. by 'getting married' i mean you have to as much as possible please the family, be someone that the family would like, open to their comments and suggestions and whatever intervention they want done to your married life. Talk about in-law conflicts. Its more than that.


You can't get away with unsolicited advice which would later sound like they want something about you changed.


now here comes the relatives. coming over to the house without warning. intruding into you private space. meddling into your business like they feel so familiar with everything you're doing and worst -- they'll get into your space and eat up your comfort zone little by little until you feel uncomfortable in your own home. Not to mention the unsolicited advice. Isn't that nice?


In short, they are driving you out of your own space.


Somehow, i never thought i'll get into this kind of common gripe of married women. I never thought i'd feel the same way. When i was a little younger, i thought married life is a bore but it's actually crazy.

When they'd come visit home this April -- i'd probably find my own abode and get out of that messy home. The home they'd messed up.

I need my space

Yes. S-P-A-C-E. Its all about space.

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space to do my thing.

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space to plan my life.

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space to think.

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space to do what i want to do.

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space to make myself comfortable with what i have.

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and i need that.

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i need my peace.

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my space.

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i don't need unsolicited advice.

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i can think for myself.

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i don't need your opinion.

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Learn to wait if i need it.

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i don't want people pushing me around.

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i'm better off than you.

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all i need is my space.

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get out of it.

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go find your own.

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think you are now a nuisance.

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think.

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respect.

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and go get lost!

we have to go

today is january 30.
the last day of the first month of the year.

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and today,
we lost our project.

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we all lost our jobs.

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seventeen people.
single, married, head of the family....
we all have stories behind us.

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house on loans. rents to pay. credit cards.
school. families to support.
long-term plans.

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we have so many things to think.
decisions to make.

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and we don't have time to think.
we only have now to act.

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gone are those days we squabble on charging errors.
gone are those times we envied other's incentives.


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hating an officemate singing loudly with the earphone on.
promotions. demotions. transfers. resignation.
love interests and teases.
birthday treats. beach outings.nonsense conversations.

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left are wishes
for people to come again.

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meet again.

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somehow,
other opportunities may come.

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somehow,
we're meant to be somewhere else
better than here.

sticky

sticky.

like mud in your sleeves.

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Ron and i had one late afternoon delight over a dvd and laid a bedding mattress on the floor so we could hop in and had a few snacks to munch.

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then his ex-gf came in, made herself comfortable beside him and joined the 'party' like one invited guest. anger came rushing into me like i could explode anytime.

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i stood up, walked away
and tried to pull myself together before i will let loose of anything i might regret later.

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i tried to be calm and went back to where they are.

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and i found them in each other's arms.

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there's nothing more numbing than seeing such a despicable sight.

and my hand found its way to the woman's face.

and the feeling came rushing back again.

anger, hate, despise.

revenge.

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it just runs through my head that nothing seems to matter at all.

i wanted to do something.

but my mind's empty i just want to scream and shout

and throw things...

and put out all my strength

so i could feel no more...

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in real life, i never slapped anybody's face.

not that i didn't have the chance.

i don't think i can ever lay hands on someone.

i had too much pride to do that.

pride not to let them see i'm hurt.

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though at times in the midst of anger and hurt,

we tend to think way beyond what's rightful.

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and i don't want to go back to that feeling.

not even in my dreams.

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but this is one bad dream.

it dragged me to a bad past.

and awakened a bad feeling...

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and stuck like

mud on my sleeves.

the last of him

it was quite a small gathering. I saw my officemates and our HR officer. Seemed like an orientation program for newly-hired employees and I came in late. Just when I snuck in to settle to an empty chair, our HR officer came by and said “guess who’s looking for you!". I wondered who it could be. Then from a corner came Erwin—not quite different from the last time I saw him. Aside from the long hair, he still looked neat and with the usual artsy get up. and he was all-smiles.

he told me he was surprised to see me and the HR officer told him I was working in the same company. Not sure if I was going to be happy to find a long lost friend as my officemate. At the back of my mind, this might be a beginning of trouble. Knowing Erwin, he courted me when I was going steady with my 6-year old relationship. He was persistent, always ‘the life of the party’… but at some point, just sits on a corner and pin you down with his stare. Sometimes he’d hide from you and at times, he’d stalk you like a madman. Somehow he’s two years younger than me so I found him somehow a little immature back then.

so the full-of-life conversation began again like those old times he'd sit by my office table and made a whole different world out of the stories he'd tell.

I woke up feeling weird. weird because right after I opened my eyes, i had several moments deciphering whether I am in a dream, still dreaming or I’m in the real world.

somehow I was relieved to find out everything was a dream. and realizing I’ll never get into trouble anyhow. Later in the morning, my husband told me I was snoring the whole night.

art search

art is one of my frustrations. music either. and interior designing and drawing and... i actually have tons of frustrations. i know, because i am impatient.

when i was a little younger, i use to make my own bags with my crochet hook and yarn. i was able to make four with different designs and my dear mother use to sport them to work. then it stopped.

i played with watercolor and tried painting. just in paper. i finished a few so-so masterpieces and i somehow felt it's not just the perfect thing i was looking for. but somehow, it flattered me to see the drawing on my sister's slumbook. she probably liked it. but i didn't.

then i painted mugs. with my little 3d paints, i use to send coffee mugs with little sayings on it for friends' birthdays.

then i started painting shirts and tote bags. conceptualizing is a bore.

then i got into paperworks. with my endless quest of the artistic talent buried in my system, i tried making wedding invites. made money out of it, at some point liked it and at some point, i get disappointed.

but i felt it is where i want to grow.

but for now, i must practice my fingers again on the keyboard. it's been a long time since my hands made music. as soon as i master Rihanna's Umbrella on the keys, i might want to go back again to cardmaking. phew!

When office politics gets in your way

Office politics is the dynamics of gaining advantage, more often for power and, i'd say, financial advantage too, in a pool of co-workers. I say, it's more of the negative dynamics (as the term politics connotes -- Well who says politics is clean?).

Most often than not, it is the ill-mannered, rude and the trouble-maker who gets the highest chances of being the other party in the versus everyone case -- though it's not always a 'one-man versus the rest' game. Like politics, it could be a majority vs the minority. it could be the active vs the passive, the good ones vs the not-so-good ones, I would not say bad because, somehow, there's an angelic side of each one of us... (take it from my enneagram analysis. lol). but i always believe it is one's values that define which group one belongs -- in a clash of different characters and in a clash of differing principles.

Personality issues... promotion... financial advantage... power and control ... or just feeding one's pride -- somehow these are the common ones that create conflict in the workplace.

it could be a bossy boss (imagine how bossy could that be) who tramples on any one who gets in his way because he feels someone's interested in his position or he could just be someone who wants to feed his pride of being the boss. somehow power and too much pride breeds evil.

not to mention though that even if it's not for gaining advantage, there are just people who get in your nerves most of the time --it could be the uncourteous, self-centered, ill-tempered, greedy, annoying person who wants attention all the time -- and wants to have all. imagine how a nuisance could that be if you have an officemate oozing with all, i say, all of the above.... who can top that?

but then again, i always think it is our values that define our goals. and greed can sometimes eat up what we think is good. and there are always people who step on others to get what they want. but what matters, is how you live up to your morals, how intact are your values, and how you succeed not at the expense of others.

in the end, what goes around, comes around.

teachers gone mad

it's not that i'm trying to be perfect but if you're to formally teach some children good english - you are expected to be as close to perfect as possible -- or at least, avoid making lousy mistakes on simple grammar and punctuation.

An acquaintance who was just hired as an English teacher in Thailand was so proud of her first teaching job she posted a picture of a manual she said she made for her pre-school class and so sad she had this one on the cover: Inspiring children: inspiring change and most importantly, lot's of fun! That was suppose to be a slogan. Even if you're not an english teacher, you can most probably identify what's wrong with the sentence - lot's is a mess. A simple punctuation--but i don't think it was a mere typo. The letters are as big as the page...and i don't get her slogan not to mention the use of the colon.

From basic grammar, the apostrophe has only 3 uses: to form possessive of nouns (the girl's bag), to show the ommission of letters (who is = who's) and indicate certain plurals of lowercase letters (m's and n's). I don't think lot's of fun would fit into any of the above.

The worst one however, was her reply to a friend's comment: Are you tired maam? the friend commented on one of her pics. She answered, Am i look tired?

Whaattt?